DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #1: Yer a WANTrepreneur. You’re in this for all the Wrong reasons:
You think it’s “So Fucking Cool” to do a startup
You want to make LOTS of Money.
You have Teh Awesome Technology Solution. The Right Reasons:
You Live in Fear.
You Can’t Get Laid.
Something has been PISSING you off FOREVER. YOU ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT [SOLVING] A [CUSTOMER] PROBLEM
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #2: You are a FAT and LAZY SLOB
You’ve worked at Microsoft for >5 yrs.
You Drive a Nice Car & It’s Paid For.
You Live in a Big House.
You Don’t Worry About Paying Bills.
You Want to Kiss The Kids Goodnight.
You Your Spouse > Your Startup. tip: Doing a Startup is a Lesson in Pain & Sacrifice.
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #3: You Have a BUSINESS PLAN, But No Product and No Customers. Bullshit Revenue Projection -----> (up & to the right) See: “Startup Metrics for Pirates”
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #4: Your Idea SUCKS (and even your Mom thinks so) You Don’t Have a Working Prototype. Worse: Have Prototype, But No One Uses It. It Sucks a Lot More than the Competition. See: “Lean Startup (Ries) & Customer Development (Blank)”
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL #5: You Have Te F h A A IL w . esome SOLUTION… to a PROBLEM that does not exist. See: “Your Solution Is Not My Problem”
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #6: You’re a LOSER, not a LEADER. You Procrastinate. A Lot. You’re not Charismatic. You Get Beaten [Up] Regularly. Your Vision is usually Wrong. You’re Scared of Change. When Other People Tell You That You’re Wrong, You Believe Them. …and you’re Ugly too, bitch. Watch: “Kick-Ass” or “Glee”
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #7: Your Pitch Sucks & You Won’t Raise Money (or SuperAngels Collude to Screw You Over) 50 slides in your deck Technical Jargon Demo FAIL Clueless Investors EVIL Investors See: “How To Pitch a VC”
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #8: Your Team Sucks, and You Have No Idea How to Hire (or Fire). No Technical Founders / Coders No Design / UX / Usability No Internet Mktg (Search, Social) No Mobile expertise No Enterprise Sales / Biz Dev No Recruiter, or They Suck… Bad.
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #9: CoFounders & Employees = Whiners.
You WILL miss a payroll.
Someone WILL eat last slice of pizza.
There WILL be Office Politics.
People WILL discover and compare salary & stock options.
Someone WILL sue yer ass:
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #10: You Can’t Sell or Market 4 Shit.
You Don’t Know Marketing.
You Think Marketing = TechCrunch.
You Don’t Know What SEO stands for.
You Think SEM = SEO.
You Don’t Know or Use Social Platforms (Facebook, Twitter, YouTube).
You’ve never built Facebook or iPhone App, or a Social Game.
You’ve never sent an email campaign, See: “Startup-Marketing.com (Ellis)” written a blog post, or run an affiliate marketing campaign.
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #11: You’d Rather Change the Channel Than Change The World. Wouldn’t you rather watch GLEE or Monday Night Football? Sure you would, Loser. Just relaaaaaxxxxxx. Fuck.
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